I'm Only Here for the Beard(10)

By: Lani Lynn Vale

“Gotcha. That must’ve been your first forty-five minutes in the bathroom this morning.”

His eyes narrowed as he turned his head and glared at me.

“I can’t help it. It takes as long as it takes.”

My mouth twitched.

“Hmm,” I murmured, reaching down for my phone as an idea hit me.

“Hey, today I saw something on Facebook about a Squatty Potty,” I told him. “Have you heard about that?”

“No,” he grunted. “Can’t say that I have.”

My grin spreading, I pulled out my phone and started typing.

“What are you doing?” he asked nervously.

I batted my eyes at him, causing his own to narrow on my face.

“There’s something weird going on with your eyes,” he said in a monotone voice. “Would you like me to check them out for you?”

I stuck my tongue out at him and went back to my typing.

“Google is my friend,” I informed him, and grinned as I typed into the search bar ‘things that help you be more comfortable on the toilet.’

And there, one of the top results, was the Shark Tank invention ‘Squatty Potty.’

I clicked on the first link which took me to Amazon, and started reading the description to him.

“The Squatty Potty is a wonderful health aid for the entire family. The Squatty Potty helps you to eliminate faster and more completely by putting your body into a natural squatting position over your own toilet. Using the Squatty Potty during elimination will un-kink your rectum, taking your body from a continent mode to an elimination mode. This will speed up the elimination process therefore reducing the risk of toxic buildup of fecal matter left in your colon,” I stopped and turned my eyes to look at him. “That’s what you need.”

He flipped me off and continued driving, heading straight for Taco Hell.

“This is a different concept at first, but once you get the hang of it, it’ll become like second nature,” I continued. “What used to take forty long minutes, with butt tingling numbness about halfway through, now is a quick in and out process that you won’t have one single complaint about. Satisfaction guaranteed!”

He was shaking his head furiously, his cheeks becoming pink.

“You buy that for me and I will literally kill you. I’ll bury your body in the woods outside my parents’ place, too,” he informed me.

I bit my lip and started laughing inwardly as I clicked the ‘Add to cart’ option on my phone.

In two quick pages of buttons and clicking, I had it shipped next day, and closed my phone.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” I lied. “There’s your turn.”

He glared at me, slowing down as he did.

“I know how to drive,” he informed me.

I shrugged.

“You missed the turn last night. And the night before that,” I countered.

He sighed.

“Fuckin’ A, you’re worse than Ellen.”

I narrowed my eyes on him. “Don’t compare me to someone you hate.”

His mouth quirked. “Why not, Nay Nay?”

I growled at him. “Do not call me Nay Nay, either.”

He chuckled as he pulled into the lot of Taco Bell, then passed a spot only to back into it expertly.

“Do you back in everywhere you go, even on your motorcycle?” I asked as he put the medic into park.

He shrugged. “Depends on where I’m going. My house, no. I just pull into my carport. A restaurant, or the grocery store? Yes.”

I pushed the door open and got out, heading straight for the door.

I also prayed that I would manage to not have any negative reactions to my meal, but I knew that prayer was in vain. I just hoped we were at the station when it happened.

Chapter 4

You don’t have to be crazy to be my friend. I’ll train you.

-Friend checklist


We were on the way back to the station when the first squeak happened.

I slammed my hands down, pressing my elbow into the stoma as the noises started to come randomly.

“What was that?” Sean asked, looking over at me with confusion.

They were definitely unusual sounds, especially if you hadn’t heard them before.

At least they didn’t sound like farts.

Which was, I guess, both a good and a bad thing.

“I didn’t hear anything,” I said. “What’d it sound like?”

I pressed down harder on my stoma, then bit my lip when a wet sound filled the quiet surrounding us.

“What was that?”

I closed my eyes as mortification rolled through me.

“Still unsure what it is you speak of,” I lied.

Sean watched me carefully as he drove, periodically looking over at me, trying to figure out what in the hell was making all the noise.